teeter dance
by fiction fetishist
Summary: A Series of Unfortunate Character Assassinations. 01: "I missed Oha Asa for this." — GoM


**Fandom:** Kuroko no Basuke

**Characters/Pairings:** GoM

**Words:** 632

**Summary:** "I missed Oha Asa for this."

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notes: a series, of sorts, of random crack fics featuring the generation of miracles. updates will more or less sporadic, nothing is meant to be taken seriously etc etc

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"Good day, team," Akashi greets. "I have wonderful news for you all today."

"Akashi, you're three hours late," Midorima complains, waving his hands. "You told us all to meet at 4am sharp. We have been here standing outside the gym this whole time. I _missed_ Oha Asa for this! _I!_ _missed!_ _Oha A—augh!"_

Akashi pats his hands on his Kise's shirt, ridding himself of the dirt from the rock he had just hurled at Midorima's head. "Akashicchi, that's my—"

"Does anyone _else_ have any complaints?"

Kise pouts, looks down at his new shirt, and sighs. "No…"

"Good," Akashi says. "Now, for my announcement—yes, what it Tetsuya?"

"I think Midorima-kun might be bleeding. Shouldn't we take him to a hospital?"

"Just pour some oshiruko on him and he should be fine," Akashi dismisses. Then, to Aomine, "Daiki, go buy him some from that vending machine over there."

"What, why should _I_ do it?"

"Would you like to join him instead?"

Aomine answers by sprinting away and throwing all of his coins at the aforementioned contraption.

"Is there anything _else _before we finally start with our meeting?" Akashi sighs.

Kise sniffles something like, "And I just bought this shirt too, Kurokocchi. It was fresh off the runway and everything."

"Please don't come near me, Kise-kun. I don't want to get dirty."

"Here's the oshiruko," Aomine chimes in, dropping it on Midorima's face.

"Aomine-kun," Kuroko says, "we're supposed to pour the oshiruko inside the can, not the can itself."

"Oh," Aomine replies.

"If Mido-chin dies, can I have his lucky item budget?"

"Why should you get it?!" Kise complains. "I need a new shirt!"

"I need food," Murasakibara reasons. "Food is more important than some dumb shirt."

"My clothes are _not_ dumb!"

"Stop this needless arguing," Akashi says, glaring. "If anyone's getting the budget, it should be me. I'm the captain of this team and I say where our money goes."

"But my shirt—"

"There are five thousand, four hundred seventy-two more rocks in this area, Ryouta. Would you like to be on the receiving end of one?"

Kise shrinks. "No, sir…"

"Serves you right for spending so much on that ugly-ass shirt," Aomine chides.

"It was limited edition," Kise bristles. "And I don't need to hear about spending too much from someone who has like, a _zillion_ pairs of shoes!"

"What did you say about my shoes?!"

"Aomine-kun. Kise-kun," Kuroko cuts in. "Please stop this. You both are extremely irresponsible with your finances. There is no need to argue."

"Tetsu, you…!"

"Kurokocchi…"

"Hey," Murasakibara says, "I'm getting hungry. Is it lunch time yet?"

"It's 9 in the morning…"

"…and you're eating some chips right now…"

"Yeah," Murasakibara replies.

"Yeah, what…?"

Akashi sighs, putting a hand to his forehead. "Watching you idiots is depleting my brain cells. Let's continue this over some breakfast. Where do you all want to eat?"

"Oh, oh," Aomine grins, "let's go to that one place across the street, the one with the waitress that looks like Mai-chan."

"I want some cake," Murasakibara says. "Do they have cake?"

"Aomine-kun, please. I don't think the manager's forgiven you yet for that time with the lobster."

"Oh, don't be such a worrywart, Tetsu. I'm sure he's forgotten all about it by now."

"I hope they at least have passable tea," Akashi comments.

"Hey…" Kise says. "Aren't we forgetting something?"

"Dessert?" Murasakibara guesses.

"No, well, maybe…? I don't know…"

"Who cares," Aomine shrugs. "Can't be that important if you forgot."

"Yeah… I guess so," Kise decides, thinking instead of what to order.

—

"Where…? What… happened…?"

"Hey Mister, are you a zombie?"

—

"Alright," Akashi announces. "Now that we've had our breakfast, it's time for practice. Let's start with a few laps around the court."

"Wait," Kise says. "Where's Midorimacchi?"

"Oh, shit."


End file.
